Comic Relief

Some of these may be new to you, but it highlights a real problem: How can Johnny learn if his parents need some assistance themselves?

This column is by Richard Lederer

A fifth-grade pupil wrote in an essay: "I have enjoyed my boyhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery."

A young woman wrote to advice columnist Dorothy Dix: "I have been an adolescent for the past six or seven years. When will I grow up to be an adulteress?"

Eventually little boys and girls do grow up to become adults and adulteresses, at which point their writing is supposed to get better. But that is not always the case. If you wonder why Johnny and Jane can't write, take a look at some of the prose miscreated by their moms and dads. Here are some poor excuses for excuse notes that were actually received by teachers throughout our land:

• Please excuse Raul from school yesterday. He had a stomach egg.
• Susan was not in school today because she had her first menopause.
• Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest.
• Gerald was out last week because his grandmother died in Kentucky again.
• Please excuse Margie for being absent Wednesday and Thursday as she was sick with a stripped throat and an absent tooth.
• Ronnie could not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling.
• The basement of our house got flooded where the children sleep so they had to be evaporated.
• I kept Monica home today because she was not feeling too bright.
• Please excuse my daughter. She had an abominable pain.
• Please can Jill not have Jim today? She had Jim last week and is still sore.
• Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
• Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
• Please refuse Robert's absents last Friday. He had a sour thought.
• Please forgive Clarence for being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had trouble and had to be serpent sized.
• Please excuse Redbird. Every time she coff she make whoopie.
• Jennifer was late due to our clock getting unplugged and waking up late.
• Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxous incests.
• Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the ornithologist.
• Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool.
• Please escuse my daughter's absence. She had her periodicals.
• Please excuse Connie from gym class to day, as she had difficulty breeding.
• Paulie was late because he was not too early. He is never in no hurry. He is too slow to be quick.

Is there any excuse for the disrepair of these excuse notes?

Or are the parents just too slow to be quick?.